I'm Filtered

The main reason I decided to start my blog was to be 100% completely, truly, open and honest about my feelings about everything. At first, the only thing holding me back was my fear someone I knew would read the blog and figure me out. I've kinda gotten over that. I did a pretty good job of speaking "my truth" and it felt good.

I live my life as a filtered person. I think most people do to some extent. We can't just walk around and say EVERYTHING that we think and feel. Think about it for a minute, it could get ugly if we did. As a teacher, I have to filter my comments to parents. There are certain ways to say things to parents about their children...and it should be that way. There are certain things you should not say to your boss, parents, neighbors, etc. I worry (too much) about what people think of me. It is a huge fault of mine. I know it. At times, it drives my husband crazy. I get it from my mother. It was drilled into me and my sisters as children...I'm not sure I can overcome it now. I am much better, though, than I was 10 years ago. It is because of this, that I am an OVER-filtered person. I don't speak my mind very often for fear of what others will think of me.

Do I think it is wrong to have an opinion? No.
Is it okay to agree to disagree with someone? Yes.

I cannot help my filtered-ness. Here's where I am going with this....I am beginning to feel like you are my friends...therefore, I am starting to become filtered on here. I looked back over my posts. I am boring. I have become "safe." I don't want to offend, shock, or cause anyone to think negatively of me. I know...it is ridiculous. I am acting ridiculous.

I love reading blogs that are completely truthful. You know the ones. Those are the ones that you read and you go ...."wow, I can relate. I've never told anyone (or very few people) this out loud before. She's brave to write about this." You also know the blogs that are filtered. The people that hint at something but keep details private. I always feel like those people have someone they know well reading their blogs so they have to filter. That is one reason I have tried to stay anonymous. I want to get my feelings out. My purpose was to talk about my feelings...work through a year of losing 50 or so pounds.

I am going to stop filtering myself. I am going to talk to you like I talk to my husband or my friend Cindy...no filters for you anymore...get ready! I have lots of sarcastic thoughts....harmless, meant to be funny at times, but I shock me at times. Other times, I smile for the people, but inside I am upset or sad...I want to write about that here. I need an outlet. This is my place. My feelings. My thoughts.

Unfiltered,
J