Same Song, Fifth Verse

I've always been curvy. What that really means is, I've always felt fat. I look back now and I know I was NOT fat at all. I just wasn't stick skinny in elementary, jr. high, and high school, or college. But, you know how we girls feel and think. If we don't look like magazine models, we must be fat, right? Well, I was probably normal, but I didn't think so. By the time I got to high school, I was always on some kind of weird diet. I remember my senior year, I ate mostly pretzels and fat free chocolate pudding most of the time. See, I told you!

Well, in college, it only got worse. I started running and dieting. I was probably about a size 8 or so. I had really bad eating habits and my friends did too. It was a cycle: starvation followed by a binge. This is where I began to actually gain a lot of weight. When I graduated and began to teach, I weighed about 160. My second year of teaching, I lost a lot of weight for the first time. I got down to 125 pounds.(2000)

I had gained all that back within two years. Then, I got pregnant! Gained 40 pounds! Ugh. Got back down to 180. Got pregnant again. Gained 30 pounds. (2005)

Weighed my highest 220 when my youngest was 18 months old. I was miserable. (2007ish)

Lost a lot of weight AGAIN. Got down to 170. Feeling good. Stayed here for about a year.

Gained up to 183.

 Lost down to 150. (2008)

Gained up to 180.

Lost down to 150. (2009)

Gained to 190+ (2010 to now)

So...you can see the kind of abuse I've been putting myself through. Why? I am not sure to be honest. Every time I swear to myself. I WILL NOT GAIN THIS WEIGHT BACK.  I WILL REMEMBER HOW GOOD THIS FEELS TO BE THIN. I WILL REMEMBER HOW HARD IT WAS TO LOSE THIS WEIGHT. I WILL REMEMBER HOW MISERABLE I FELT TO BE OVERWEIGHT. Yet, I defeat myself over and over again. I can't figure myself out. Why???? The million dollar question my friends. Every other area in my life is like a well oiled machine, I swear. Why would anyone do this to herself? I would never treat another person like this! Why do I do this to me?

I've been very busy. Tis the season for parent /teacher conferences. Hence the lack of posts lately. But...I've been good. Not so much on the exercise...I've been shredding but I haven't met my "extra goals." I haven't met my water goals. But I have met my Shred and Food Goals. I have lost. I will post on Oct. 1 on my weight. My clothes are a little loose. I am not being extreme. One little step at a time. I cheated a little on Sunday at a baby shower for my sister. That's okay, I know. We all slip. I did not let it destroy me.

I hope you are all doing well. I hope this is the last verse of my "song." I hope it all ends with this final verse. I hope I learn about me this journey. I want to treat myself right this time. I want to stop this cycle. Changes are coming.

Singing,

Apron Strings

Sorry, I haven't posted in awhile. I've been SO busy. But, I've been being VERY good with my eating. You would be so proud of me. I'm actually looking forward to weighing on October 1. The only thing discouraging is that weight loss is so slow. Why???? oh, why????? I wish my clothes were already falling off. That people were already saying, my you're losing weight. My husband is the only one. I'm not sure if it is b/c he sees me naked or he wants to get on my good side! :) I'll just have to be patient, won't I!

Do you ever feel like people are talking about you because of your weight? Is this really happening or am I just insecure??? I took my girls to a "teaparty" birthday this weekend for my niece. I was one of the adults asked to stay and help serve the young ladies. My MIL and SIL were there, too, along with 3 others. I was definitely the biggest one there. The hostess had sewn black ribbons on big doilies for us to wear as aprons. We all tied our aprons on. I immediately saw my MIL staring at my apron strings. Of course, my strings were short compared to hers. She is 100 pounds dripping wet. She caught me catch her...her eyes held judgment, or did they??? Am I paranoid???

I find myself thinking this in some situations. Are people talking about me? Do they even care  about my weight? Now, my MIL is an exception. She probably is disgusted by me and talking about me all at the same time. But are normal people? I want to be confident. Will I be when I lose the weight? Will losing the weight cure this? I sure hope so.

I don't want to worry about things like apron strings anymore...it seems so silly, doesn't it!

Say wut?

Yesterday, I dropped my kids off at their grandmother's house. I then went shopping...ugh! I can't wait until I love to shop. Anyway, as I was trying on clothes (including sizes M, L, 12, 14 and 16...why are clothes so different?) I caught a glimpse of myself in the 3 way mirror. I could see my front, side, ...BACK! Oh, my. It was bad. I was overwhelmed with feelings of "IS THAT ME?"

I left with my purchases thinking to myself that it won't be long until I have to come back for smaller sizes. I've said that before and I am still wearing those "big" clothes, but...this time I mean it. By next summer, I will be smaller. thinner. healthier. confident.

So, anyway, I digress. I left the store and headed to the OBGYN. Yes, this is what I do on my day off without my kids. :) But, I'm all about the yearly exam. We all need to do it. The doc comes in. I am silently begging for her to bring up my 20 pound weight gain. She doesn't. Did I want to be reprimanded...I don't know why, but I wanted to talk about it.

I dive in. "Did you notice I have gained 20 pounds in a year?"

She looks back over the chart. Oh, I see that now, she says.

I say. "I am doing something about it now. Exercising, keeping a food journal, and trying to eat right."

That's wonderful, she says. I look at her. She's gained some weight. I think I have made her feel uncomfortable. She does not want to discuss this. She looks like she wants to run.

But, I need some advice. I keep talking about my plan. What does she think?

You are not obese, she says. (oh, yes, I am...I say)

I tell her I am tired, my back hurts all.the.time, I'm trying to walk/run for 45 minutes ( I go on and on)...am I okay doing all this?

She says, sure, you can do that. Maybe it is the weight making your back hurt. (We go through the spill of how my body is changing b/c of my age. So now, I'm OLD and FAT!  I will be 36 soon. Over. The. Hill.
Whatever.)
She continues...

This is a summary of what the doctor said: There has been research lately that shows exercise does not help you lose weight. It has physical benefits: stress reduction, increased muscle tone, helps sleep patterns. But, it won't help you lose weight. It will help maintain your weight. Your diet is the key. It's 90% of  losing weight.

Say wut?

Well, that's a first for me. Now, relax. I am still going to exercise. I believe it does help. I've had success with it before. But, I was thinking...what made her say that to me?

Then, she admits..."I've been dealing with my weight, too. I paid $39.95 to a website to help me count calories. Life is so busy, I have a hard time fitting in exercise and healthy meals."

So, she is  struggling to. Looking for answers.

My goal was 50 pounds by February. I am still aiming for that. BUT, I am being realistic. I will do my best. I am not going to do "extremes" ...I may have to *settle* for a pound or two a week. But, that's OKAY. One step/pound at a time. I will do it.

Going to workout :),


PS---thanks for the advice on the handweights! :) You guys are the best!

3 or 5 or 10?

Okay, I need some advice here. I'm working out. I am trying to tone up my arms after my cardio. BUT, I do not want my arms to bulk up...I want slim, tone arms. That can fit into any arm holes on any shirt.

I'm thinking not this...

But, rather, something like this...

Do you know if I should be using 3 or 5 or 10 pound weights? What about when I am using weights on the Shred? Give me your advice....

Also, if I want to do some weights with my run, should I do it before or after the run?

I'm excited for the first time lately...about losing this...toning up...looking good...and inspiring others.

Send advice,

It's ALL or nothing...

I'm an all or nothing kind of gal. OR, I have been in the past. I would eat and eat and eat the day before I started a diet (why, oh,why???). Then, I would launch 100% into my new diet. I would be dedicated like no body's business for a week, maybe 2 if I was lucky. Then, I would have an oops. I would slip. Cheat. Which, in turn, would lead to the ALL being over and began the NOTHING. I said to myself...well, you've ruined the diet now, might as well eat everything. So I would eat and eat and eat again. And ruin all the good I had done.

This time, I'm trying to be different. Fix my old bad habits. If I have a piece of cake at lunch, that is fine. Continue to eat healthy the remainder of the day. One piece of cake did not make me fat....it was eating half the pan...or sneaking food when no one was looking. Ever done that?

I'm changing. I feel good. I'm moving more and eating less. I will do this. I'm still shooting for 150 by February but not so much that if I'm 160, I will feel defeated. Just doing by best one day at a time. I was going to wait to weigh until Oct. 1 for my weigh in, but I'm not sure now. I'm trying not to focus on the number. I can get very frustrated if the scale doesn't move. We'll see.

This week's goals:
Shred every day or run....I get a little tired of the Shred.
Drink water, water, and more water.
Healthy meals 3 x a day.
Only one sweet a day if necessary.
No more than 2 diet cokes a day.

I have the week off from work (Woo hoo), so it should be easier to workout and eat right. Planning ahead is key for me.

Have a happy Monday.
J

Playing Checkers

A friend that works at my school came in one day last week with a funny story. She and her husband were feeling a little frisky the night before. They were caught up in the moment and forgot to shut their bedroom door. Well...their son walked in. Of course, he said what are y'all doing? And...you won't believe her answer! As she was jumping up and covering up simultaneously, she said, "Your daddy and I were just playing checkers. Now let me put you back to bed."

So, as she was telling us this story we had tears running down our faces from laughing so hard. Why had she said checkers???? Too funny! I can't wait until her son is old enough to know the real game of checkers...what will she say then?

Well, of course, I told my husband about it. And, oh the fun he has had with it. Wanna play checkers tonight? Let's go play checkers, babe. Oh, he's full of himself. :)

One thing about us, we've always had a great sex life. No matter what my size is. We've had awesome chemistry since DAY 1.  But this week, I've been thinking of WHY I want to lose weight. You know...it is for health reasons. But, those really haven't impacted me yet. I have great blood pressure. Not diabetic. Not really any health problems...yet.  I can really do practically anything I choose to do. I can fit in any seat I want. So even though, I know I need to lose weight to be healthy, there are other reasons I truly want to lose weight.

1. I don't want to dread swimsuit season. I want to play with my kids in the pool/lake anytime...not only when it is family around. I NEVER get in a swimsuit in front of friends. EVER.

2. I want to have fun shopping. Not hate myself every minute of it.

3. I want to feel sexy. In a great pair of jeans. In a nightie. All of it.

4. I want to stop comparing myself to other women. Stop wishing to be them.

5. I want my kids to be proud of me (how I look).

6. I want to stop thinking about my weight 23 out of the 24 hours per day.

7. I want to tone up. So that I feel confident in all types of clothes. I want to stop hiding in black.

8. I want to feel young again.

9. I want to sincerely accept compliments given to me. Not think the opposite as I say thank you.

10. I want to stop dreading to see people I haven't seen in a couple of years.

 I added another one to my list last night. My husband has been out of town this past week. He returned ---ready to play checkers. I was ready, too. But, I want to stop having to worry about my positions. My belly is okay standing up and laying flat, but sitting up is just wrong. I can't believe I have let it get out of control. I try to hide it from My Man, but who am I kidding? He knows. Thank goodness, he doesn't seem to care. He is so sexy and in shape. He has the commitment and will power that I have not.

I'm hoping to change all of this. I want it quickly, but I know it takes time. One pound at a time.

I can't do this overnight, no matter what. I know I have to work through it. Make the changes stick and form new habits for a lifetime.

Changing,

Why am I fat?

I've gone over this question again and again in my mind. Truth is, I'm not really sure. There was nothing terrible that happened in my childhood. Here are a few of the things I do think about when I ask "Why am I fat?"

1. I love food. My ENTIRE family loves food. There are overweight people in my life. My aunt, grandfather, my mom ( she fluctuates constantly), and MY DAD. However, my sisters love food, too. They seem to have more self-control than me. Now...they work hard at it, but boy, they can eat. :) Yeah, for them.We (the extended family) use any excuse to celebrate ---with food. There are so many choices of food, it will make your head spin. My mom never cooks one dessert, she makes at least 3! We always said she loved us with food. Now, I love it!
2. MY DAD. I'm the oldest. I know we all say our parents were toughest on us, but my dad was the king of tough on me. I was expected to be perfect. If I got an 95 on a test, he would say why isn't it a 100? I excelled in acadmics. I followed every rule to the max. I have always earned my own money and supported myself except for a few years as a stay at home mom. My point being, I began working at age 14. Never stopped until the birth of my first child. I like for my parents to be proud of me. My behavior, work ethic (I'm a worker bee), etc. all grew from this attitude. I try to be perfect (I know I'm not, but I try) in ALL areas ---except my weight. What gives? I've actually done a lot better at this since I got married. It has taken a lot of patience from my husband to teach me..."it's okay to be imperfect. slow down. relax. we still love you and think you're great. you don't need to be perfect for us." Isn't he good?
3. MY DAD. My dad had a mental breakdown of sorts when I was 12. It was horrible. Eventually the bipolar diagnosis came. I remember lots of details...my sisters do not. This was around the time that I began to feel a little bigger than my friends. It also began the dieting cycles.
4. I was hurt very badly (ended up in critical condition for awhile) when I was 10. After that, I wasn't the active gymnast/cheerleader little girl that I had been. I couldn't be. I had surgeries until the age of 18. I'm lucky to be here, lucky to walk, run, exercise at all. Was it these crucial development years that I spent inactive that did me in?
5. I feel in control in all that I do except controlling my weight. I am a well-liked friend, teacher, mother, wife...I have great kids and THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD. We have a great life. I hate my weight. Why isn't that enough to make me finally do something about it?

I'm sure there may be a few more reasons that have crossed my mind in the past. BUT after I think about those reasons, I always say to myself: no J, you are fat because you keep shoving food, lots of the wrong kind of food, into your big mouth. I did this to myself. No one else. No reason matters if there is one. I eat. I like to eat. I enjoy food. I just need to fix it.

I need to learn to love, appreciate and celebrate the right kinds of food for me. I need to work on my will power and motiviation. I need to get up and go do it.

Sorry for the long post. I overate today...can you tell? self-hating tonight.

***In other news, thanks for the prayers for sister. She did well in court. Things are looking up! "HE" showed his true colors...the judge, mediator, and even his own lawyer ended up hating him. :) Love it even though I know I shouldn't.***

Thanks for listening to me vent.
Get up and go,

I thought about it!

Well.............

I did well over the weekend. I'm not going to post all of my foods. You'll just have to trust me. Even though I did have dessert (only one) each day, I did NOT snack. I chose good eats when available and exercised. I had turkey wraps, lots of chicken, protein packed breakfasts, and fruit to name just a few things. I was at my mom's though...so my desserts included 1 slice of pound cake (Saturday and Sunday) and 1 browine (Monday). Okay, here's my confession --- my mom sent home brownies with us (for the kids). I was so PMS, I thought about eating the entire plate full. I wanted it. The only thing that kept me from it? My husband sitting beside me. If I had been by myself, those brownies would have been GONE. Bad, I know. But, at least something stopped me if not my own will power. :)

Today, I am not feeling well. Cramps and I am a grump. I admit it. I'm trying not to be....but it is what it is. I've got woman problems and the next two weeks are high stress! I hope I make it! I'll post on those more later.

My sis meets with her soon-to-ex tomorrow in mediation. Say a prayer for her. He's such a manipulative person. I am ready for her to be through with his abusive ways. I wish she was free. I never knew what she was living with.

Today, my choices were:
1. Fruit, yogurt, and skim milk smoothie for breakfast
2. Snack was a granola bar
3. Lunch was chicken fingers, salad, and mac & cheese (just a little)
4. Grilled burger with no bun, and a small piece of chocolate

30 minutes of exercise

Have a great night...

Happy Thanks

Thank you to Tish and Whitney for this award...

I really appreciate the award!

Since, I received this award from them around the same time, I'm going to combine my answers.

The Rules.

1. Thank the people who blessed you with the award!

Thank you Tish and Whitney!

2. State 10 things you love (I just did this just several days ago, so I really had to think about this):

1. 
   
   I love to put frozen fruit popsicles in my smoothies (the no sweetner added, all natural kind).
2. 
   
   I like to watch the red carpet shows before the Emmys, Oscars, etc. better than the award shows. I love to see what the people are wearing.
3. 
   
   I love the smell of breakfast cooking in the morning...coffee, bacon...you know what I mean!
4. 
   
   I love how I feel right after a good, long, warm shower after I have put lotion on...especially if I was dirty/sweaty before I got in the tub!
5. 
   
    I love it when my children use good manners or show thoughtfulness without me having to tell them to.
6. 
   
   I love candid shots of my children and other family members.
7. 
   
   I love to sing out in the car.
8. 
   
   I love it when my husband rubs my feet with lotion.
9. 
   
   I love to make people laugh.
10. 
    
    I love Bible verses that really talk to me. Jeremiah 29:11 for example.

I am going to skip the part that asks me to give this award  to 10 other blogs. I did this on August 31 for the same award so I'm going to stick with that list if you don't mind. You can read it here.

Thanks again ladies!

I don't feel like ME...

First things first...I did the Shred for the 3rd day---using 5 pound weights...Ouch. I am hoping to get to do it on Saturday and Sunday, too, while at my parents.

Okay...so today I wore an outfit to work AND I just didn't feel like me. It's like I can only fit into about 1/3 of my clothes. My big girl clothes are not me (well most of them...speaking of work clothes, here). I have some skinny girl (keep in mind this is 145 for me) clothes that I love and feel great in. I felt OLD today. Not me. I wish I had endless funds, but that isn't the case. I keep saying I'll go shopping when I am down a size. You know the drill. Do you ever have this problem?

I look at other women and think...that's how I want my clothes to look on me. Or...I was looking at a catalog today. There were some really cute pants on sale. My first thought...the pants wouldn't look like that on me.

I've told you before that I work in a Christian school. Wednesday our devotion was on God creating us. He made me. He loves me. I should compare myself to Him, not other people. BUT, it is so hard, isn't it!

My oldest daughter says, Why is God's way always the hardest? (during our conversations about the Golden Rule, forgiving and praying for those who aren't nice to you, turning the other cheek, etc)... She makes me smile.

Anyway, I can't wait to feel like me. But I'm working on me in the process. If you haven't read So Long, Insecurity by Beth Moore, I highly recommend it. It is helping me. Of course, I may have to read it 1000 times to truly operate that way, but at least I am recoginizing things about myself...right?

I have lost about 2 pounds, but I think it is more. I know I shouldn't weigh but I CAN'T help it. There is a reason I may weigh a little more for the next few days ;). It may also explain why I'm a little down today.

 I'm feeling good about the way things are changing in the scale department. I also did 20 minutes of an easy jog on the treadmill tonight. Woo hoo!

I probably won't be able to post until Monday. Have a wonderful Labor Day!




My choices today:

Breakfast: Deli Flat (whole wheat) with sharp cheddar cheese

Snack: about 10 almonds (short on time...again)

Lunch: a delicious grilled chicken salad, two bites of our chef's homemade mac & cheese, 1/2 slice of garlic bread, low cal ranch (side note: a friend brought me some fries from a local joint during my lunch period. You will be proud to know that I thanked her, kept them in the container, and when she was gone, promptly gave them to the 5th grade teacher who is 26 and a size 0 ...I did good, right? LOL)

Snack: okay, okay...too much bragging above. Did not do so well here. A MINI DOUBLE DOOZY! (2 mini chocolate chip cookies --a little bigger than quarters---glued together with white icing! Oh, it was good. And worth every bite...maybe! Excuse---it was a student's birthday and she brougth it especially for me, I had to eat it.

Dinner: hamburger patty w/ half a bun. side salad.

Lots of water and 2 diet cokes, coffee at work

2 for 2

Well, it is the second day of the challenge, and I did it! I was really feeling lousy this morning, but I am happy with myself for pushing through the day and topping it off with the Shred. I have to say that I am sore...hope I can keep this up for 30 days.

I am blessed to have a husband who is supportive of my ME time. He "cooked" tonight...grilled hotdogs. But, you know what? He made the effort! I'm thankful.

This weekend should be challenging. I'm going to the land of temptation...my parents' house. There will be LOTS of eats. I have the Shred on my packing list. :) Keep your fingers crossed for me.



My choices today:
Breakfast: Whole wheat thin deli round, baked in oven with Cracker Barrel white cheddar (very good and crispy)

No snack...no time

Lunch: Black-eye peas, oven roasted turkey, side salad with lowfat ranch
1 cherry jolly rancher candy

Dinner: hot dog with bun, mustard, ketchup, Baked Lays (about 10)

1 coffee, ONE DIET COKE, and lots of water

Challenge ME!

Running low on time tonight, but I started the challenge today. I feel good about my eats and exercise. 30 days straight of this! I hope you are all doing well.

Will post more tomorrow.
J