- I love food. My ENTIRE family loves food. There are overweight people in my life. My aunt, grandfather, my mom ( she fluctuates constantly), and MY DAD. However, my sisters love food, too. They seem to have more self-control than me. Now...they work hard at it, but boy, they can eat. :) Yeah, for them.We (the extended family) use any excuse to celebrate ---with food. There are so many choices of food, it will make your head spin. My mom never cooks one dessert, she makes at least 3! We always said she loved us with food. Now, I love it!
- MY DAD. I'm the oldest. I know we all say our parents were toughest on us, but my dad was the king of tough on me. I was expected to be perfect. If I got an 95 on a test, he would say why isn't it a 100? I excelled in acadmics. I followed every rule to the max. I have always earned my own money and supported myself except for a few years as a stay at home mom. My point being, I began working at age 14. Never stopped until the birth of my first child. I like for my parents to be proud of me. My behavior, work ethic (I'm a worker bee), etc. all grew from this attitude. I try to be perfect (I know I'm not, but I try) in ALL areas ---except my weight. What gives? I've actually done a lot better at this since I got married. It has taken a lot of patience from my husband to teach me..."it's okay to be imperfect. slow down. relax. we still love you and think you're great. you don't need to be perfect for us." Isn't he good?
- MY DAD. My dad had a mental breakdown of sorts when I was 12. It was horrible. Eventually the bipolar diagnosis came. I remember lots of details...my sisters do not. This was around the time that I began to feel a little bigger than my friends. It also began the dieting cycles.
- I was hurt very badly (ended up in critical condition for awhile) when I was 10. After that, I wasn't the active gymnast/cheerleader little girl that I had been. I couldn't be. I had surgeries until the age of 18. I'm lucky to be here, lucky to walk, run, exercise at all. Was it these crucial development years that I spent inactive that did me in?
- I feel in control in all that I do except controlling my weight. I am a well-liked friend, teacher, mother, wife...I have great kids and THE BEST HUSBAND IN THE WORLD. We have a great life. I hate my weight. Why isn't that enough to make me finally do something about it?
I'm sure there may be a few more reasons that have crossed my mind in the past. BUT after I think about those reasons, I always say to myself: no J, you are fat because you keep shoving food, lots of the wrong kind of food, into your big mouth. I did this to myself. No one else. No reason matters if there is one. I eat. I like to eat. I enjoy food. I just need to fix it.
I need to learn to love, appreciate and celebrate the right kinds of food for me. I need to work on my will power and motiviation. I need to get up and go do it.
Sorry for the long post. I overate today...can you tell? self-hating tonight.
***In other news, thanks for the prayers for sister. She did well in court. Things are looking up! "HE" showed his true colors...the judge, mediator, and even his own lawyer ended up hating him. :) Love it even though I know I shouldn't.***
Thanks for listening to me vent.
Get up and go,
I too am a first born and totally relate to perfectionism and having all in control BUT the weight. Ugh. Perfectionism is an ugly beast and very hard to tame.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I have come to realize that the weight is a symptom, coping mechanism, distraction, etc.
Good luck :)
No need to apologize for the lengthy post. Sometimes you just need to get it all out there! Hopefully this gives you some good food for thought to help you on your journey. Stay strong!
ReplyDeleteRae
xx
Another first born child here. :) I can relate to being raised in a family that loves food. I think you're points are very real and true and you should take time to see why they have had such an effect on your weight loss efforts.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I've learned over the last year or so with dieting and losing weight is that I always thought I was the lazy girl/woman with no self control. Then I began thinking about certain issues from my past and realized that there are some emotional issues that really do relate to why I overeat. Yes, I still need discipline in my life and ultimately it's up to be to change, but when I began dealing with some emotional issues it became easier to have the desire to lose weight more than the desire to overeat.
If you have a friend who you could talk to about what you posted today, or maybe even your husband, I would encourage you to do so. I have such a friend and she's shed lots of light on my journey. If you'll be open to what they might say they observe about your thoughts it just might be the turning point to breaking down that wall of self-loathing you come against every time you have a "bad" eating day.
I wish you the best. Please know you're not alone in this. We are here for you and we understand... I know I wouldn't have a weight loss blog if it wasn't a major struggle for me too.
Take care!
Hang in there. I can relate on some levels. I think once we pin point the reasons for being overweight we can heal and make changes. You can do this. We are all here to support you.
ReplyDeleteWe all have slip ups. I think you're doing great, and that's great that you're trying to get to the root of the problem!
ReplyDeleteSister, sister, sister....wow, how similar we are. Another oldest her. With 10 years between me and the baby, two sibs in the middle. Mom had her breakdown 6 wks after I birthed my son. She was only then dx'd with severe depression. For me, the food numbed me out. And sugar especially makes things bad for me. But what I saw as personality (mine) was so much a reaction to the sugar.
ReplyDeleteA precious friend wrote this after I was frustrated by a slip:
We all have days like this. You are going to be just fine! Waller (southern word) in the pity, whine, etc...and come out tomorrow better for it. Sometimes, we just need a little time in the trench to enjoy being out of it...
Not sure if I'm right, definitely not a therapist here...but I think (I'm pretty sure) you are normal. AND, You've made tons of progress. Woo hoo!
She's very very wise. I should introduce you ;)
hugs, friend.