It's a BOY!

So....I am a new aunt (for the second time). But...to my first nephew! Yippee! I had to share some wonderful news. I am finally smiling about something in the midst of the tragedy still filling up the walls at my school (see previous post). But my middle sister had a little boy! Happy Day...and much deserved. After four miscarriages and years of struggling with infertily they had a little boy through IVF. I'm Auntie J. AND he is PERFECT! Well, right now. Soon enough...he'll be like all other children--perfect moments and not so perfect moments, right? Oh, I love him to pieces. And my girls are over the moon for him! He will be spoiled rotten for sure!  Nothing like a little baby to bring sunshine into your life! He even makes me forget about my thunder thighs and jiggly arms! See! I told you he's a miracle baby!


Have a blessed day!
J

A Sad Day

Today was a very sad day for me. A well-liked, dedicated, friendly, loving mother of a student at our school died today. She was a year older than me. She went to bed with a bad headache and never woke up again. They discovered some amniotic fluid caused a clot that went to her brain...she also has a one year old and a 4 week old...let me explain. They were blessed with their first little girl. They tried and tried and tried to have more children. They suffered through many miscarriages. They decided to adopt. God brought them a beautiful baby boy through private adoption (just finalized last week). About a month after the little boy arrived, she found out she was pregnant. A miracle baby. Another little girl. A lovely family of five. Oh, how they love the Lord, too. I just cannot believe it.

Why? I believe we cannot explain these things. There is no why. No explanation.

I have mentioned before that I work at a Christian school. There was a meeting after school. Of course, afterwards, several smaller groups broke up to pray for this father. The huge tasks before him. The bright first grader...her questions, fears, ...her mommy was very active in her life. She was at the school several days a week. Some people kept saying...The Lord has a reason for doing this. It will be revealed. Is this how it is? I'm not sure that is how I feel.

In Jeremiah 29:11 it says, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

THIS, I believe. God does have plans for us. He knows what is coming. But, does He cause stuff like this to happen? Not sure I believe that part. Can He make good come from this? Yes, I believe that. Does He control all? Yes. But, I also believe He lets life happen, too. Accidents, health issues. However, I do believe he is in the miracle business. I cannot explain why some people get the miracle and some don't.

I might ramble here a minute.

I have mentioned before that I was critically injured as a child. I'm not going to go into detail. It would give away my identity. I was somewhat famous for it ...it was nationally covered believe it or not. People at my church would say, "God has a reason for choosing you." Hmmm. Did He? Was it just an accident and God used it in my life? I think I believe that. An accident happened to me. It was bad. God saved me. A miracle. Then, He used it to enrich my life rather than hinder me. Perhaps I am biased on things like this because I can't bear to think that God chose me to get hurt badly...I am not sure.

Or...my husband. Did God give him cancer? I don't think so. I think he just got sick. God was greatly involved in healing him though. I believe that. BUT, I can't explain why another little girl in my class is without her mother due to cancer (she died last spring after a very long battle).

I believe we are all God's children. He does not want us to suffer. I think He hurts when we hurt. I think He helps or wants to help us through the hurt. We have to turn to Him. Sometimes easier said than done, I realize. People endure terrible tragedies.

For some reason, I just cannot make myself believe that God "made" this happen. Did He know this was coming? Yes. Could He have stopped it? Yes. Could He have saved her? Yes. I cannot explain why life just happened. I think she just had a blood clot in her brain. These awful things happen, but God has a plan for the new family of four. He wants them to prosper and have hope.


God is almighty and all-knowing. I teach this. I believe this. Some things I cannot explain. Maybe I'll ask Him about them one day.

What are your thoughts?

Go kiss and hug your loved ones,
J

I'm Filtered

The main reason I decided to start my blog was to be 100% completely, truly, open and honest about my feelings about everything. At first, the only thing holding me back was my fear someone I knew would read the blog and figure me out. I've kinda gotten over that. I did a pretty good job of speaking "my truth" and it felt good.

I live my life as a filtered person. I think most people do to some extent. We can't just walk around and say EVERYTHING that we think and feel. Think about it for a minute, it could get ugly if we did. As a teacher, I have to filter my comments to parents. There are certain ways to say things to parents about their children...and it should be that way. There are certain things you should not say to your boss, parents, neighbors, etc. I worry (too much) about what people think of me. It is a huge fault of mine. I know it. At times, it drives my husband crazy. I get it from my mother. It was drilled into me and my sisters as children...I'm not sure I can overcome it now. I am much better, though, than I was 10 years ago. It is because of this, that I am an OVER-filtered person. I don't speak my mind very often for fear of what others will think of me.

Do I think it is wrong to have an opinion? No.
Is it okay to agree to disagree with someone? Yes.

I cannot help my filtered-ness. Here's where I am going with this....I am beginning to feel like you are my friends...therefore, I am starting to become filtered on here. I looked back over my posts. I am boring. I have become "safe." I don't want to offend, shock, or cause anyone to think negatively of me. I know...it is ridiculous. I am acting ridiculous.

I love reading blogs that are completely truthful. You know the ones. Those are the ones that you read and you go ...."wow, I can relate. I've never told anyone (or very few people) this out loud before. She's brave to write about this." You also know the blogs that are filtered. The people that hint at something but keep details private. I always feel like those people have someone they know well reading their blogs so they have to filter. That is one reason I have tried to stay anonymous. I want to get my feelings out. My purpose was to talk about my feelings...work through a year of losing 50 or so pounds.

I am going to stop filtering myself. I am going to talk to you like I talk to my husband or my friend Cindy...no filters for you anymore...get ready! I have lots of sarcastic thoughts....harmless, meant to be funny at times, but I shock me at times. Other times, I smile for the people, but inside I am upset or sad...I want to write about that here. I need an outlet. This is my place. My feelings. My thoughts.

Unfiltered,
J

A pale, pastey, puffy stranger

Have you ever seen a picture of yourself and not recognized YOU? Yep, that happened to me today!!!!

I saw a picture of me at 190 and I was like...is that ME???? NO WAY is that me!!! I am not pale, puffy and pastey! But, you know what? It was me! And, I am puffy and pastey...sometimes not so pale, but you get the picture. It was extremely motivating and confirmed I am tired of looking like this. I could see a little misery in my eyes in the picture. Probably undetectable to anyone else, but I could tell. I did not want my picture taken. I did not want 190 pounds documented. I do not like myself like this. I am not showing a healthy appearance because I am not (or have not been) eating healthy foods...maybe my foods have been too pale, pastey and puffy? Something to think about, isn't it!



I look forward to the day when I like having my picture taken. Will that day come?
I think so,
J

Down for the Count

Oh, my goodness. I am sick. Sicker than I have been in a LONG time. I cough every 30 seconds or so. I even called in sick to work. I NEVER DO THAT. I stayed in bed all day long. I have had this "cold" since Saturday. I am going to have to go to the doctor, I reckon. My cough is hurting the rest of me. I ache and ache. I stay awake and cough all night long. My poor husband...I even slept in the guest bedroom the other night b/c I couldn't stop coughing. The good news is I don't feel like eating! :) Funny, how I always relate everything back to my weight ,isn't it. I am a sicko that way, too. I think my kids are catching my cold. My oldest daughter started coughing today...oh, no.

There is good news though...my dear friend Jae gave me an award!

Thank you so much, Jae. I think this award is helping me to feel better already.

Here are the instructions for this award:

1. Answer this question...
 If you had one chance to go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be and why?....Well, I don't have any huge regrets. For that I am thankful. But, I guess if I had to choose one thing, I would have let myself live a little more and be myself in college. I was so worried about everyone's opinion of me. I held myself back. I attached myself to one boy and basically shut myself off. I missed out on some things. It may have kept me out of trouble, who knows? But, I kinda regret it now. There are other little regrets here and there, but nothing too big...Oh, I guess I really regret gaining and losing weight over and over and over....

2. Pass along the award to awesome bloggers.
Weight Loss Journey ~ Getting Healthy
:Deliciously Healthy
Whitney at Getting Healthy
Shoes to Lose
It's My Time

Thanks again, Jae!!!! You are awesome!

I know I need to start scouting new blogs to support, too. I remember being a newbie. I just haven't had the time. I'll try to do better. Send some new people my way if you know anyone who needs support.

Take care,
J

It is official

Well, I caught my first cold of the season, and I have made it official---I have lost OVER 10 pounds! I had to weigh and check. I always tell my husband that you can tell when I am really sick when I DON"T EAT. Because that rarely ever happens to me. Now, I just have to watch and not let it creep back up on me.

I went to the grocery store this afternoon. I was very motivated. I stocked up on healthy snacks and meals. I think I am truly, truly ready to do this. Keep your fingers crossed for me b/c this feels good.

Have you ever had a person who just was a nay-sayer (did I spell that right???)? There is a girl at work that is so negative to anyone who is trying to lose weight. Today, one of my students brought cupcakes for her birthday. I took one to be nice, but when I got back to my room I put it away. This woman asked why. I told her I was watching my weight. She proceeded to remind me that I had had dessert the week before, and would probably have it the next week. I was perplexed. I've seen her do this before. Of course, we all have people like this in our lives. Why do people do this?

I'm making a list of people who have been nay-sayers in my life recently. I'm leaving it here and I will not let these people distract me.
Deannea
Whitney
MIL
Kim


Have a great night...stay healthy!
J

One Small Victory

I had a small victory this morning in my bathroom on the scale. I almost lost 10 pounds in September. I like saying almost 10 instead of 9. It just sounds better to me. Even though I know there is nothing wrong with 9 pounds. I could make a few excuses< but I won't ...Although I am a little PMS...I may adjust my weigh in day depending on my start day if you know what I mean. We'll see what the week brings. :)

To be honest, I thought it might be over 10 pounds. My clothes are fitting better. I wore a pair of pants today that I couldn't /wouldn't wear 2 weeks ago. They were too tight in my waist. I always lose the weight there first. I can tell a difference. I am on a roll right now. I feel good. I feel committed. I feel confident. I refuse to be upset because it isn't more of a weight loss. I've worked hard, and it's been real life...know what I mean? Nothing drastic, nothing really abnormal...it is truly something I could do forever. I am happy with that.

I also like it that weighing in once a month has kept my obsession with the scale at bay. I've been focusing on my eating and exercise one day at a time. If I slip at one meal, that's okay. I refocus and start over. I am not focused in on that number every hour or so, or even every day.

I will weigh again November 1, I guess. Like I said above, I may switch my day depending on my cycle.

Sept.1 was 198. Today was 189. Hip, hip, hooray!!!!!

Hope you are all doing well.