I wasn't the most popular girl in high school nor the least. I was definitely part of the "in" crowd, but I was also in a show choir and AP classes. Hence, I had a very diverse group of friends. BUT, I always felt a little different...older than them might be the best way to say it. I've posted on this before...being an old soul. I think it comes from surviving a near fatal injury. To be honest, I'm not really sure. I just never felt as free, or carefree, as my friends. I was aware of a much bigger picture, I guess you could say.
I struggled with my weight back then, too. Nothing like I do now. I guess I fought 15 pounds here and there. My senior year, I ate fat-free jello pudding and a baggie of pretzels every day for 2 meals for a very long time. Border line eating disorder? maybe.
I was definitely insecure. Trying not to be.
Where am I going with this?
Today, I had to walk over to the high school on our campus. As I was walking down the hall, the bell rang. Out poured all of the students to change classes. All at once, I was back in high school. I swear it was like a time warp. Those feelings of insecurity and worrying about what other kids think of me came rushing back. It was weird. I was worried about my appearance on a hallway full of teenagers!!!!
Where do these feelings come from? Will they ever go away?
I wasn't really worried about those kids (but I am glad I teach little ones). But, I instantly remembered those feelings and it wasn't good. At times, those same feelings creep up...in social situations.
I'm eager to begin loving me...no matter what. Maybe it will happen when I grow up! :)
Eating well,
J
I hated high school :)
ReplyDeleteI love how real you are! I think you just wrote my story in high school, except my fat-free jello pudding and a baggie of pretzels was just a bag of licorice purchased from the concession stand. I only weighed 105 pounds back then. I think it's safe to say...starting signs of a possible eating disorder? When I visit home (IL), I always stop in and have lunch with my niece (who will be starting in high school next year). I understand those insecurities and felt them when I visited her at the middle school. Do kids really judge us adults? I don't remember thinking that my teachers were fat or skinny. I do remember if there was a cute teacher though or a mean one. :) Just know you're not alone. Others feel that way too. Not sure why those insecurities creep up on us.
ReplyDeleteI was not popular and just had a small group of friends. Funny thing is that now there is a facebook group planning our 30th reunion and I am already getting that sense of cliques again.
ReplyDeleteHi J,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel. 'm new to this blogging thing & I'm reading your blogs and I'm truly inspired. I used to be so happy with myself and the kind of person I was. Now I'm ashamed of what I've become. I'd love to begin loving me too. I just don't know where to start.
Sending Best Wishes Your Way, Nik
I seriously feel this way every time I walk the halls at the high school I work at once a week. It's so bizarre! I'm glad that I'm not completely crazy and that someone else experiences this too!
ReplyDeleteFound you thru Kerris...
ReplyDeleteI had to stop by my sons school and had the same experience...i wondered too when I would outgrow my insecurities...i wish I could figure out why it bothered me so much.
The thought of being back at high school makes me feel that way!
ReplyDeleteJennifer